Ad Nauseam: Internet Speedway

I'd like to start something new around here today.

I don't care for advertising. Not one bit. I'm a pretty level-headed person, but television and radio ads, when sufficiently irritating, can eat at my brain like nothing else. As such, I'd like to begin posting humorous and spiteful critiques of commercials that particularly annoy me. We'll begin today with Internet Speedway.

This company has been running ads on satellite radio for at least as long as I've been a subscriber (two-plus years now), and on FM radio as well; surprisingly, this same ad has run for about a month at a time, three or four separate times. It bothers me equally every time. Let me state beforehand, so I don't have to in the midst of bashing the ad itself, that this is a total scam. A Google search for "internet speedway" pulls up three scam-reporting websites before it pulls up the actual Internet Speedway website. Like just about everything you hear on TV or the radio, it sounds too good to be true because it is.

As I can't find audio of the ad and am not going to record it at this moment, I'll transcribe it for you, step by ridiculous step.

[Annoying rejoiner music]
Narrator: Hey, back to the show in just a sec, but before that: have you guys heard about this?

Okay. So we're to believe that this fella is a radio DJ in the middle of a "live read." Very convincing.

There's this computer program that literally has new-comers to the internet...

Let's be honest about this: if, in 2009, you can call yourself a "new-comer to the internet," you are retarded. The only people in this country right now that are "new-comers to the internet" are over the age of 75 and likely incapable of understanding the complex point-and-click procedure required to operate a computer that is not an abacus.

...earning tens of thousands of dollars.

He uses the word "earning." As though you're doing "work" or getting a "job."

See, this program lets you start selling high-profit products on the internet, using sites like eBay...

"Like" eBay, huh? I'll tell you this right now: your site will NOT be like eBay.

...selling stuff like digital cameras, iPod accessories, even plasma TVs.

No one is buying a digital camera from a tiny, no-name website run by Cletus in Montana, much less a fucking plasma television. Unless you're a niche website selling niche products, people are buying from proven, reliable sources. Don't be stupid.

Now here's the part I think's interesting: you can make all this money selling products you never have to see or store or pay for! And there's a company that's giving out a CD for free that tells you how to get started with it.

Wow! That does sound interesting! I look forward to hearing about your personal experience using this service!

The number for the free CD is...[papers shuffling]..uh...it's here...it's [phone number removed, because I'm not shilling for these bloodsuckers].

More convincing evidence that this man is not, in fact, working for these people. He's just a regular-guy radio DJ! Just like you! A moron!

Looks like your computer does the work while you basically collect the money! Seems like an easy way to run a business out of your house.

Is that what it looks like? Really? You know this from experience? You've used the product? No, of course you haven't. Obviously that's what it looks like, because you're just reading the copy like you're told. And you use all the buzz-words designed to lure in the dopes: "computer does work," "collect money," "business from house." It does seem like an easy way to make money from home, doesn't it? You can do it right in your bathrobe while fondling your genitals! I bet it doesn't cost you anything at all to get a decent site running, either. Oh, that's right. You have no idea. Because you're a tool.

Anyway, to get the free CD, you call Internet Speedway at [phone number twice].

Or you could Google "internet speedway," and have a lot more fun and get a lot more satisfaction reading about what a scam it is. Please. It always makes me feel better.

Honestly: how do people fall for this crap? As I said before: there is no such thing as a "new-comer to the internet." Don't people realize that if it were this easy to make tens of thousands of dollars of supplemental income online, that everyone would do it? Eventually we'd get to a point where either there'd be so many little merchant shops that none of them would make a dime, or all manufacturing, service and support in this country would cease because everyone would just be selling shit to everyone else. What is wrong with people?!

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me.

I might add that I transcribed this ad from memory. That's how many times I've heard this damn thing and how passionately I hate it.

Still, it may not be quite as awful as their other commercial that states--not implies, but STATES--that Internet Speedway will make you a millionaire.

Ugh.