Ad Nauseam: Budweiser

Today, we'll take a look at the "Great American Lager."

Finding relatively new commercials for viewing online is proving more difficult than I'd anticipated. So, for now, you'll just have to continue to deal with my descriptions of these ads.

Anyhow, I'd like to discuss two current Budweiser ads in this post. The first involves the relatively new character of the "Budweiser delivery man" who appears to offer his wisdom in prestigious locations like convenience stores run by stereotypes. In this particular scenario, the delivery man is (for reasons unexplained) standing behind the fairly small checkout counter with Mr. Stereotype as two hapless-looking fellas approach with six-packs of non-Budweiser beer. Mr. Delivery then looks at his watch and begins to explain how (allegedly) at three o'clock, every day, someone at every Budweiser production facility in America tastes every batch of Bud. This, supposedly, is to ensure that "perfect balance" of flavor and refreshment that has become Bud's latest pitch.

As he explains, these two fucking mopes begin to look more and more downtrodden as they listen to this completely unsubstantiated tale being told to them by a fucking truck driver. It would seem that they've come to the realization that because they don't know the inner workings of their beer choice's breweries (of course, that they know as much or less about what actually happens at Bud's breweries is not addressed), because as Mr. Delivery smugly and sarcastically says that: "I'm sure they all do...something...like that," these assholes actually go back to the cooler and swap their beer out for Budweiser. In response to which Mr. Stereotype proclaims: "You're very good." This would indicate that he prefers selling Budweiser over other beers. Why this is so is never made clear.

My thought on this is that if you don't have the fucking half a brain to choose your own beer and not be swayed by a slimy cooler-stocker, then you probably shouldn't be permitted to consume alcohol to begin with. Where's your conviction? Why did you choose that beer to begin with? Why do you torture me so? You know what? I take back what I said. You drink that Bud. Drink it all. And then take a drive. Preferably on a desolate, curvy, cliffside road. We'll call it a "skills test." Have fun.

Moving on.

The other ad I'd like to cover involves a pretty young lady peering in to a refrigerator, attempting to choose a beer. There's a few nameless beers scattered amongst the Budweiser. A man peers over her shoulder, and launches into an oration on beer that is a thinly-veiled attempt to get into her pants. He begins:

"You know, the beer you choose says a LOT about you."

Of course it does. It says what beer you find most appealing to your taste buds. I know what kind of silly little social theory you're about to get in to, and I hate you. Honestly: when you're faced with a limited number of choices in a fridge that is not yours, the beer you choose really doesn't say as much about you as you wish it did.

In his play for an opportunity to ultimately be rejected by a woman who is way out of his league he mentions, of course, the supposed "perfect balance," and refers to Bud as "a real American beauty" (hm.), but the line that really bothers goes something like:

"You want friendly, not pretentious."

Sigh.

I want everyone to stop--JUST. STOP.--using the word "pretentious." If I prefer a heavier or fuller beer than your precious Budweiser, that does not make me pretentious. It means that I like a different fucking beer than you, douchebag, because we do not share taste buds. If someone likes a lighter beer or a different brand because they prefer that particular taste, it does not make them pretentious, nor does it make any other brand of beer as such. If you think that anyone who consumes a beer other than Budweiser is pretentious, you can get fucked. And if you think your cute little come-on speech gives you any--any--chance of sharing this woman's taste buds...well, it doesn't. The closest you'll ever get to her tongue is when you lick her empty beer bottle, you sorry sack of shit.

One final little English lesson, dick. You're choosing Budweiser because you want everyone to know that you drink "the great American lager," for its "perfect balance," and because it's a "classic." You know what we call that? A pretense. You know what that makes YOU? PRETENTIOUS.

QED, asshole.